Back In The Matrix

Well, I am now back in calgary after spending 6 months on the desteni farm. I have been sick since I got back 5 days about but i am stabalizing now.  I came up with a good description of the word surreal which describes my experience since being back…

Sureal : That which should feel weird, or shocking, but for some reason, feels normal.

Things always are the same so to speak. I am the one within my experience so there is always that one glaring point of firmiliarity that stands out.  it has been interesting to come back and see “old friends/acquaintances” and how much bullshit is spoken.  I have noticed a tendency to react to this “bullshit” which i realize is actually judgement. So also working on the application of unconditional self forgiveness.

Unconditional Self forgiveness

I am beginning to see how this can save ones life so to speak. I mean, there are so many reactions and judgements one goes through in a day, the act of unconditional self forgiveness is really a gift one gives to oneself. I have just actually begun to see this. And also see that I have havent yet given mysefl this gift. To simply let go in the moment. Like a breath. And stop carrying every little detail around. Unconditional self forgiveness in everymoment.  Worries, fears, judgements, anxiety, expectations,frustrations, anger, resentment, to stop all of this! and no longer particpate.

I am also realizing how writing can be used to support myself within this process. Because now that I am back in candada, I am essentially alone in this again. And writing has become a tool to keep myself grounded so to speak – so I dont get lost up there in my head somewhere.  Its a process where I can lay out before myself practically, physically, real…myself!

Writing into reality who I am, and who I will not accept and allow myself to be or to participate with.

So at the moment focusing on real, practical, shit. And writing is just one tool/application I am applying. Other than this, I am focusing on actual physical movement – movement that can actually be measured. Seen, observed, felt by others as well as me in physical 3d reality – this is the “REAL”  i am working with.

This is a point I can explore further also – looking at what is actually “real” in this reality, this world. Within the context of actual real physical movement.

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