Who The Hell am I, and Who Have I Become?

Who the hell am I, and who have I become? I have to ask…in fact, I am compelled to ask, I cannot help but ask , i Have reached then end where the only thing left to do is ask

To look at myself and realize what I am actually living for. What I have accepted as Life and have “made peace with” in terms of what I actually believe this a life is all about.

I haven’t made that much money selling my art or utilizing my skills as an artist. Mostly I have been reluctant to “put myself out there” I have always taken a passive approach to promoting myself and my art and I see this as one of the main reasons I have never really developed a stable cash flow with my art. Most of the time my art  just piled up in my studio. I Never really considered that I would actually have to sell it myself. That I would have to make myself seen – in the same way as I deliberately painted a painting, I would have to then deliberately place the artwork and myself into view so that it can be seen – a step that I entirely ignored…UNTIL NOW

However I am aware of the “starving artist construct” and have observed my experience within this, and my beliefs around this. I am/was fine to create the art, but when it came down to the point of money, I became self conscious and was usually ready to compromise on the selling price. I have done this to the point of  giving it away by donation on the street – to selling original drawings for a few bucks right out of sketchbook.  Even when I was represented by a gallery I always had a fear about the price of my work.  A fear that I would never find a buyer.

I can see that this fear did not have so much to do with art as it did with my Fear of having no money – looking at the world and seeing how money basically equals comfort – that was what I was really afraid of not having – Comfort, freedom, the ability to move, to rest comfortably at night – Linking all of these points to money – so really when I had a fear of not selling my art – it was because of the my perceptions/observations of how essential money has become in this world – in the functionality of our existence – And me being afraid of not  having enough to live comfortably in this world. And also for me as an artist – It costs money to create art – And Being an artist is a cool occupation – its like I worked to get myself into a postion that I was utterly afraid of losing – No money = no studio, no art supplies, no dream occupation, and I would find myself working some labor job somewhere – I realize now that there is nothing wrong with working a labor job or something like that – I was working to get my piece of the pie…i just wanted a comfortable life. And I mean how cool would it be to paint paintings all day – it really was a “dream” occupation.  Interesting to what a human being will end up settling for in this world – this existence –  In asking myself – what is actually possible in this existence? and to see that “the bottom line” that I had defined and created for myself all on my own – was to just get my piece of the pie – “to live comfortable” out of infinite potential within existence – this is what I “settled” on – living comforty.  I mean what is actually possible in this world/existence. What are we really capable of.  its seems stupid to have devoted my entire life to “getting comfort” its like I put on the blinders and zeroed in on this one point only – everything I did – was to get that one point. I wonder what we are actually capable of?

Surely more than what we have come to know as “living a comfortable life”  If this is all we are living for…..I mean dosent that seem a little funny to you?