Wanting to be the Best Worker

I am quite tired at the moment, it is around 9pm but I was up at 6am and my job is physically demanding. Especially when money enter the equation because when money is involved I find myself moving at a pace to make money, not something that is “natural” so to speak, That is one point I noticed about my job, is how money influence the ‘pace’ at which everything moves and “how hard” the people work. For myself I found a few times that I would end up getting hurt if I “moved to make money” then I would have to slow down and move at a pace which support my body, and not necessarily make the most possible money each day at the expense of my physical body. I find this is still quite a point though that comes up daily while I work. This point of making money and also this, in comparison to how much money other people make. I find at the end of each day, my experience of myself goes into a energetic fluctuation being ether positive or negative depending on how much money I made in comparison and relation to the other workers, instead of me simply being here with me, where my experience does not depend or rely or is determined by outside influences, I am aware of this point but find it still comes up daily. One of the points is that I like being seen as good treeplanter, Its like I experience myself as a “good planter” where others see me as a “good planter” and in a way see me as special in a way. Within this I find the experience of myself within my movements is much different, where when I go into the experience of “being seen as a good planter” its like I activate this personality of myself and feel important, and unique. Then at the end of the day when I find out that actually I was just average, and all my specialness is removed, it is as if I can no longer justify me building up myself, through generating a specific energy inside myself through participating with specific thoughts as me being special and unique and thus, I experience a kind of low. Its interesting actually because as I write about it, I actually see that In fact go into a ‘low’ energy where I actually think less of myself, and build up a negative energy of myself though judging myself, as if I am letting myself down, and the only way to ‘feel good about myself’ is to make more money than my fellow employees, so that I am the one seen in the special light. Than I can feel good about myself, but until then, I am just ordinary. I must look at this point more specifically because even though I am aware of the pattern, it has yet to stop, thus I must look at how I created this whole point throughout my life. But as for now I am going to go to sleep, I am tired.