Writing Myself to Freedom – Writing out My Day.

Writing Out My Day.

I woke up at 11:00am. I went to bed at 3:00am last night because I was busy with the ‘Etsy’ site which I enjoyed “digging-into”. When I woke up the back of my neck and upper back where quite sore and I had a headache. Sometimes that happens if I “sleep in” but I also looked at the point in relation to the experience of myself the day before, but as I write this, I see the point of also looking further back than to just “the day before” where actually the point of the pain, which I experienced as a built up ‘pressure’ or ‘tension’ in my back and neck and head would have been an accumulative affect of more than just one day, so to look back a few days, and look at what I was participating in, and how I was experiencing myself, and what points of energy or tension was I building up, or accessing. The point I have been walking through over the last few days/week has been, “deciding what to do with myself” and how to direct myself, so the point of ‘Future’ or fear there of. In any case, I had a pain this morning. Particularly in my neck and shoulders. So I had to walk with this pain for the day. I started my day with Coffee. Catlind, one of my roommates, said to me as I walked into the kitchen “you look cold”. I wasn’t, although I did have a headache, and maybe was ‘carrying’ myself into the kitchen, instead of being Here as Breath. I had a headache too. The coffee was delicious. We have an espresso machine so I enjoy calculating the proportions and making a nice coffee in the morning. I Sat down to do internet work and as I usually do in the mornings. I checked to see how the movement was going on the Etsy site. Maybe I had made a sale. This point is quite prominent at the moment with regards to the Etsy site, because I see the potential for me to actually be able to support myself financially with this point, so I am giving this point some serious investigation. I notice that there are people on the site who make regular sales daily and I see the potential of actually being able utilise this point to support myself financially until the Desteni Income Plan starts moving. Etsy is a site for Artist where Artists and craftspersons can create a profile/shop and sell work. From my perspective I simply see the point as an equation, so I simply must calculate all the points, and apply the correct math, and I can actually make money. I will have to be patient with actually getting it going, but all it will take is time, and physical movement. Because of the work I have done with Desteni with regards to buddying and SRA, and Vlogging etc, I have some understanding of how to actually going about linking points together on the internet and establishing a network, so from this perspective, thats all Etsy it. It is simply a point where one direct traffic, and make a certain amount of sales based on how many people visit the site. Its Mathematics and that’s it. So its cool to see this point. Its Actually empowering to see this point. I would not have seen this a few years ago, and would have looked at the whole thing based on Morality, and who likes my work and who doesn’t, then I probably would have “Lost-Hope” quickly. So I will continue to explore this point some more. I then visited the Desteni site and checked in with the subscription forum. I experienced myself as kinda shit today, because of not being satisfied with my application, and going through a point yesterday where I fell on a point for a moment because I was not specific enough.  I wrote about what I saw within the experience and I was satisfied with how the writing went. But normally when I fall on a point, I kind of go into a kind of suppression with regards to desteni and find I participate less. I experience a point of hopelessness within this. Hopelessness that I will fall and not walk breath by breath with desteni. Hopelesness also from the perspective of not changing me and ending up in the future in a position where I have to face the consequence of the decisions I made and the way I applied myself. So at the moment feeling down from the perspective of seeing myself as less than many others walking process who are standing. I also see the point of my being quite hard on myself for whenever I make a mistake. Yet, also more prominently, the point of specificity and what is required of myself within this point to actually get effective with myself in walking this process. Absolute Specificity. Slowing down, and getting fucking specific, and that I have not been specific enough. And that I am faced with points daily, and that it is up to me whether I participate or not. So, I either get really specific with me in walking my/this process, or I simply time-loop over and over until I eventually get it down the road. From my perspective I see the point of simply just doing it Now, and get it done. So Here Now, this point of specificity is emerging  and showing its face and saying – “Look, here I am, more, you need to be more specific” The point that ‘bothers’ me the most, is the relationship/sex/desire point. Because this point exist everywhere, and tempts me in every moment. I am getting more specific with this point, yet at the same time, see that I am not specific enough, and that to effectively transform myself that I will have to take this point apart and completely disintegrate it, meaning, completely re-define relationship and sex and the context of how I existed towards, and participated with women, and how I perceived them and experienced myself in relation to them, and them to me. Everything about the point must stand within the principle of what is best for all and equality. And it is here where I see that I am not specific enough. Until this point no longer exist as a desire inside me. And that I no longer define and associate sex to energy, or within and as energy or the mind but to re-construct it so that it is a supportive point within this world, and supportive point for myself as I walk this process. Where I walk an agreement that is in support of this process and where I do not compromise myself or another through in how I have created and defined sex/relationship in the past in relation to the mind. I see that I still have this picture come up as I write this of being in the perfect agreement, where I actually stand equal with a being. I Sometimes go into desire in relation to agreement with regards to the point of intelligence or ‘being able to see the shit’ meaning, desiring to be in agreement with like someone who is a prodigy at process, and who is clear, direct, no bullshit, effective, specific, but also who just gets it naturally, and can see the mind moving. I desire this because I desire support from this perspective. So the correction I see is to walk that point of self support within developing myself so that I can “see the mind moving” effectively, and get to a point of ‘innocence’ through applying myself in self honesty, and self forgiveness. And actually moving the points and taking away the layers so that I actually see and understand the points. So that that point of Desire no longer exist inside me, but that I change me and transform ME actually into that which I am desiring, I become that so to speak as Myself. I Live that. That Self Honest Walking of process. Its like I go on to many “holidays” Like taking “holidays” from self honesty. So then go into a point of desire with regards to Living Self Honesty, and Humbleness, because I am not actually walking and living SELF HONESTY the way that I would like, where at the end of each day I can actually look myself in the face and simply just let-go. Where I enjoy me, where I stand clear, transparent, nothing to conceal, nothing to hide, but to just simply stop the fucking Mind. This I am not yet effective with. Where at the end of each day I am satisfied with ME. I Got a phone call from the bill collectors today. I am requested to send in my “proof of income” statement which I actually lied on. So now they will probably ‘catch-me’ on it. I was not specific with the application and claimed I had only made 800 dollars for the month when in fact I made 3000. Although I was not expecting to make that 3000, but in any case, now I must face the consequence of not being specific within this system. I have never been checked in 7 years of doing this, so this was the first time, so a bit surprised. In a way it is simply showing me that I am not considering ALL the points within specificity, and specificity that is and will be required as we walk this process, and to effectively support myself within this system. Banking, and taxes, and loans, and system stuff I never really considered before, it was always an afterthought. But now I am seeing how actually, I want to be effective with stuff, absolute, so that I can support others in getting these points effectively organized as well. So I am busy with really getting to the core of my organizing and structuring of my own personal system of filing and organizing. A point came up with regards to this point of organising and structuring ones world with regards to spelling. And how if one have poor spelling this would be the first place where they as a being begin to learn about structure and organisation. Language. Words have a structure, and an organisation if you will, where they are filed depending on certain variables in relationship to other words to form sentences, and the same goes with letters being ordered and applied and filed based on their character in relation to other letters, all within a big system language, so was just considering this point in relation to my effectiveness in the system, and that those who develop strong language skills from a young age, probably have a more solid foundation with regards to organisation and structure, because they have already learned the filing system of a language.  So with regards to this point, I am busy just getting to that foundational point, and looking at no more allowing my own self organisation where I organize me within my world to hold me back. So from a certain perspective, taking it back to Self. If I cannot get effective with myself and my own system, than I will be hopeless in attempting to expand this into a business.  And this has become quite prominent with the “Etsy Stuff” and just everything really since being back here in the Matrix. I have had enough of “letting things slide” Its time to consider how each and every point move and work together, no more accepting “holes” in the equation.  So the phone call from the bank kinda set me back for a moment. I experienced like a sickness inside me in my stomach. Like a grossness. But I continued on with my day. I was re-organizing my room, and as mentioned, getting down to that foundation point and getting the foundation point of myself in this world clear and sound. Otherwise, spent most of the day alone, as I have had some ‘alone time’ lately, which is fine. Not many friends here in Calgary as of yet. Its 1:00am now. Experiencing myself within a kind of Regret. Its like this regret, is a pattern, a cycle, I mean, I am not standing at the end of each day in Full Self Enrichment of myself, in Satisfaction. To many “slip-ups” during my day – So again the point of specificity, and Self Will, in Simply NOT allowing myself to justify going into the Mind for any particular reason, in any occasion.  So that I can be satisfied with me at the end of the day.

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