Writing Out my Day – Sept 24th 2010 – Writing Self to Freedom

Writing out my day.

Well, my shoulders and back are sore at the moment, because I have been sitting allot and I don’t have a desk  so sit in various spots, like on my bed, or on the couch and now my back is just sore from this not having a stable back rest. Although I have been also focused allot on the point of foundation, where I got away from a bit today from a certain perspective, so that its interesting that my back is now sore, which is a primary support structure of self. I woke up at 8:30 this morning, and proceeded to make myself a coffee and some breakfast. I was supposed to help my friend out today which I was preparing for this morning. I did not know when exactly I was going to help him, but I was embracing the point because it was some physical work, and would have been a nice break from computer stuff, although enjoying the computer stuff too. Also because of the point of money. When looking at the foundation of myself, I find still that “money moves me” I have this pattern come up daily which Identify with ‘survival’ and money specifically where at around noon, I start getting ‘antsy’ Today was no exception, this antsyness came up again around noon.  The point I have identified is as mentioned money, and survival where the essence of this energetic experience is one of needing to “do something” so that I can survive in this system from the perspective of making sure that I have money. And that if “I am not doing something” that I am in a way moving closer to death, closer to running out of money, so within this  a kind of panic comes over me and cause me to “miss details” to “rush” and “scan” over things. This is essentially why I have been looking at and working on the point of foundation. So that I can stabilize myself Here and that whenever this point comes up, I simply stand here as myself and do not accept and allowing myself to become possessed by this point.  It would be good to take this point apart as this is one of the primary points I have been experiencing within my world. So in the morning I watched desteni stuff and checked out my etsy site which has been an interesting process so far. I started posting listings a few days back and find as I move and post more listings that the ‘content’ I place and the context I give it is moving closer and closer to who I am within my stand in the desteni process which is pretty cool, Initially I did not know how to go about placing the work and from what perspective but this point is coming together as I place.

I had a cool conversation today with a friend of mine. She is doing a course called “3 in one concepts” where there is some congruencies with the SRA material so I have been able to actually speak in detail to here about specific points regarding SRA which is quite cool. This has been cool particularly because I have been spending quite a bit of time with myself alone doing computer work, although I am living now with 5 roomates which I have enjoyed also. Its nice to have ‘random’ encounters and just chat and things like that. I am quite tired at the moment, and struggling a bit with ensuring each word is in place so hopfully  I can get this writing clear. Ok, moving on. After the conversation, I was back on the computer. My Friend told me that work had been postponed so it was the normal routine, as usual so to speak. I reacted a little bit, because that meant no money, and thus far I have not real leads for jobs, except for this etsy point which I have been pushing since I found it 5 days ago to see if I can get some sales moving. Also I signed up for another “Market Collective” which is a craft fair here in Calgary. I was postponing registering out of fear of not having enough money. But I pushed through the resistance and got myself a table. I looked at it from the perspective of “making myself visible” with my art, and although in the last fair I never made any sales, I should not “project” that experience onto this one, so am going forward with having a booth at this next one.  It was quite an interesting day today. I have been with myself allot today. And this has been cool. I have been pushing myself within my application to be more specific with myself. Basically I realized that I have to Start Over, and really get my application established and directed within such a way that actually support me, because I was not really supporting me before, It was more like a hanging on, and a stagnant. Not falling behind, and not moving ahead, I was simply just stuck, and had arranged my self application so that I would just kind of remain in limbo, and thats exactly what I was doing. So I spent today re-establishing my application, and my starting point of that application to one where instead o applying myself to just break even, like doing the minimum, I will apply myself from the starting point of actually supporting me and transforming me. A more active approach, a more directive approach, instead of reactive. Ok I am going to place this post as is – no editing tonight – night all.

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