Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing – Sept 27th 2010

I woke up at 9am, one hour more than I wanted to sleep, but then got up and began my day. First with coffee as usual.  I was ready to take on the day and was not expecting anything different than usual. In fact there was a bit of ‘dread’ like the beginning stages, yet, I see the point of this ‘dread’ being there only because I have an expectation of what I am doing as being ‘repetitive’ or ‘monotonous’ as seen through the eyes of others. So I find actually that this point exist as a question, like “do I really find this monotonous” or “am I just fucking with myself” for the most part I have enjoyed this time to just write and work on process stuff and computer work. After all, I did spend the initial 3 months when I first arrived busy with Labour work. So this last 15 days has really been my first phase of process work. Though I am experiencing the point of ‘aloneness’ or ‘loneliness’ where in I am both stable, and then other times, wondering or questioning if I “should be getting out more” I have been basically focussing on process and simply how the situation has unfolded I really don’t have any friends around to really “hang out” with so to speak, and at the same time, I really see not point in “Hanging Out” I find I am very busy all day long and must push through resistance to applying myself in the “simple” things and to remain here within that and not going into ‘feeling’ like I am wasting my time or something like that. So I did the basics today, the regular stuff. I continued working with the Etsy Site, I simply place the work for sale there daily and engage their system, so to speak, to see if I can make some sales. I experienced some resistance to doing this today. There was a moment where I had taken an intermission from working and this point came up where I really felt like “I don’t want to do the ‘Etsy’ thing anymore, like a lost of interest. But I simply see this as energy, and I also saw the point of “giving up” where I noticed that this is definitely a point where I would have wanted to give up before, and that I would have inevitably given into and gave up because of the ‘feeling experience’ I had towards it, and also the ‘mind points’ where the mind come up with some really good justifications why I should stop and not do it any more. But as mentioned I simply saw this a point of resistance which I simply do not participate with and simply continue placing the daily listings. I Experienced myself as being “kinda flustered” today, and have had this point come up a few times since being here in Calgary. The point where I just can’t seem to get everything done in a day that I would like, in a way that I would like. I have begun to utilise a ‘whiteboard’ for writing my daily schedule on as well as other points of not. I have never actually used a white board before in this way so am enjoying laying it out and assisting me to organise myself and my day so that I can get effective in multitasking and becoming more directive in that which I am doing. By placing all the points on the white board, I can no longer use excuses that “I have nothing to do” as it is ALL there on the whiteboard, where there is more than one can do in a single day. Also I placed a personal calendar for myself in my notebook which goes up to 6 months, this way I can place points accordingly as they come up. I have also taken on the point of recording all the money I spend weekly so that I can actually see where my money is going, how I spend it, and on what I spend it on, so that I can support myself to get effective and specific with money and make myself a proper budget as well as just simply placing for myself to see. Essentially I am placing as much as possible in writing to “see how I move”. I made a Vlog last night and made it into a video today, I also read some stuff on the political forums and this further opened the point of myself in relation to politics and how I do not/did not see myself within this point.  So today in reading more posts and watching videos related to this I noticed the point within myself of where I still see/experience the point of politics as being out there. Particularly because at the moment I am not in education, so the point of deciding to go into politics from this perspective is not here. Although it is here from the perspective me simply seeing that the point is not here with me as It seems like it is with others. So within this I find I am still busy with looking at and seeing where and how to place myself within it all, as in it is not yet clear what I will be doing, how I will be directing myself within this process and the emergence of an equal money system. Like from  a certain perspective I experience myself in a kind of waiting – Not that there is “nothing to do” because there is lots to do. Its simply a matter of not yet seeing the point clearly in terms of what I must do. Although the basics are here in terms of “my standing” Geez, I have experienced myself quite rushed today. Even with this post I feel so rushed to try and get it done, and I don’t seem to be getting any points out. Ok let me correct the point here and slow myself down. Still Holding onto the point of wanting to relax at the end of the night. Last night it was too late to relax and watch a movie so thought tonight I could do this, but again here its now 1am, and just getting to writing out my day.  I went to the grocery store today and bought myself some basics, I actually paid a few bills today. I notice that I still “hold off” on spending money, as if, I can just not spend money somehow, so I avoid paying bills or buying food even though it is inevitable that I must do this. Its like I have a little money saved so I want to hold onto it, like the miser, I do not want to spend it, but its a double edged sword because money is useless if one is not spending it to purchase things. It simply does not good just sitting there in your bank account. So interesting its like I still try and hang onto money, like a fear of letting it go. Anyways I bought some orange juice today, I have been holding off on buying it now since I have been here, because there is this one guy who drinks so much orange juice that he buys the frozen juice and is always making it and talking about how cheap it is. So I did not want to buy some juice out of fear of what this guy might think if I buy orange juice that is “normal” like comes in a jug, and I pay a little more money for it – because my perception of the whole thing is that I will be seen as “not practical” so have been avoiding buying the juice. Interesting – I didn’t see the point of “practical” before. I remember now I dealt with this point allot with a mind construct I was working on about art, where in I judged myself for not being practical, or as being seen as a practical person in this reality. So interesting to see this point here with the juice. Not to many people home today, mostly quiet, which I have been enjoying, although its nice to visit with the people when they are here also. I watched Katies Video about living in a destonian community and that this is something that I definitely would like to do. I saw some pictures of the farm today, and experienced a point of “missing the farm” and also a kind of “desire” to go back there and see everyone again. I must laugh though because as I look at this point now I see that I have defined/placed the farm as a “saviour” point, where  I can go and be saved and simply just live out the rest of my life comfortably. So there is nothing that is going to save me except me. And to want to be saved is wanting someone else to do the work for me. I perceive the farm as safe from a certain perspective meaning, safe where in I will “make process” and become effective at seeing points, rather than actually taking this point on for myself. So that point is clear. The farm was/is representing/showing me a point within myself which I haven’t allowed myself to fully embrace and trust where in I trust that I can actually apply myself and develop myself effectively and that to believe I require to be on the farm to do this “in a specific way” is actually allowing self limitation. I mean with the people to on the farm, where the environment is about process – thats fucking cool – so to live with destonian group would be cool to “all work together” I mean here, everyone in the house seems to be just doing there own thing. And occasionally someone will make a meal and share it/offer it others, but in terms of standing equally as a group, the point is simply not here, so I just do my own thing as well, as I can’t make people change. Will see how things unfold. One of my roommates girlfriend of 2 years is moving in. This roommate is the owner of the house, so there is allot of changes taking place at the moment. I noticed coming up within me today, A fear of getting kicked out of this place for being seen as being weird. Its like I saw myself making everyone uncomfortable, because I am the weird cult guy and I saw the point of them not wanting to actually live with me. I see this though as a complete projection and not really valid although I see that within being abandoned, I do not mind. I mean the experience I had with that one friend of mine last week was interesting, I realized that I simply was over and done with that point, that I let the point go, and that the point was in a way to let the point go inside me, where I simply stop hanging onto old aspects of my life, in so that I can actually bring forth a new world and environment which support me as I walk this process of equalization of all into a point which is best for all as an honourable existence. So I am testing this “letting go” point as well with my other friend John, because we still get along quite well and can have some nice chats, so I am now simply looking at the points where I desire his friendship, and then simply letting go, and disengaging with the energetic points of connection to see what will happen. Obviously my interaction will change because I no longer need anything from him. So will see how this application of “letting go of the past goes” Its like “letting the past fall away” Wow this these last few points really flowed. That’s quite fascinating because the beginning stuff at the top of the post was excruciating to write, it was like all resistance, and I almost stopped…I was so close to stopping but remembered that point where Bernard said that it is in those moments where you really want you give-up is where you actually push through. And thats what I did, I don’t think I am even going to post the top stuff, its like mumbo jumbo stuff. Cool though this bottom stuff actually opened me up more and I am experiencing myself more at ease with me. – Very Cool. Writing Self to Freedom.

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