Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing Out My Day – Sept 30th 2010

Writing Out My Day Here.

I woke up to go to work today. I experienced some resistance to this, and apprehension, which is why I slept in until 9:00am instead of getting up earlier. I used work as a kind of reward system, like my reward is getting to sleep in because I have to go to work, so enjoy the comfort while it lasts. In the morning it was the first time in a while where I actually “had to be somewhere” so I was a bit pressed, like the first time I was obligated to be somewhere. I was a bit nervous and also excited to see what the day would bring. This was my first time giving a hand at this shop ‘for real’. Helped out before but was for very short time. Anyways Firstly I had to “deal with my Van” as there was a gas leak problem and the thing not starting all that well, and my passenger window was stuck down. Because of this I experienced some tightness within myself the night before and in the morning, hoping and wondering that things would work out. As I write this I see’ experience this point of tightness also in relation to my ‘student loan thingy’ where I placed in the wrong digits on the application and then they did like an ‘audit’ thingy on me, so facing this point at the moment as well and walking though. Before work I went to buy some tools, as I thought that I could be able to afford this. I am becoming more selective with regards to what I buy, as I have not definitive stable point of income yet in place, though today was cool because it was a start, although I see that even though it does help, it does not ‘satisfy’ this ‘survival’ point with regards to needing a certain amount of money to survive, and thus see still that there is a point of anxiety in me still that ‘runs deeper’ than what this “helping at the shop today’ ‘covers’ in terms of providing some income. So I purchased some tools and headed out to the parking lot to attempt to ‘jimmy’ my passenger side window up as it was stuck down and they are automatic. But I was at least satisfied that I made it to the hardware shop because I was slightly nervous that this was going to be a big problem and that my van might not even start in the morning, though as I write here I see that this point was primarily a projection of feat of the “expecting the worst” and having bad things happening to my van and me having to pay allot of money and things like this. So Here I was in my van, with the plyers crammed into the window seam and I was trying to yank the window back up but it would not budge, I gave it few attempts and felt slightly embarrassed as a man walked by and saw me trying to do this. I experience a point of self consciousness relating to how I have defined myself where in I saw myself through the mans eyes as being ‘just some kid’ with a piece of junk car. Interesting because I see the point within me where I “don’t want to be see this way” as the person with the beat up car and struggling to get by. From a certain perspective I identify this point of “struggling to get by” as a point that I in a way used to live, and experience emotional turmoil around, like sadness, and low self worth and points like this. So as I came back to Canada, this was one of the points that I was in a way determined not to accept and allow to exist as me and within my world. So in that moment when the man walked by, there was a degree of my expression where I was “attempting not to live that way anymore” where I was trying to ‘pull’ myself out of that was of being as there I was attempting ‘pull’ my window back into place, where I could restore or quickly correct these mis-alignments which I identified and connected to this “old pattern”  So just wanted everything back in place again. Moving on – I checked my watch and realized that I had to be a work in 15 min so had to put the window thing on hold – I hopped in the drives seat and the van started up and I was on my way. I figured I would be meeting some new people today at work, so this would be interesting to see how I experienced myself in relation to meeting new people. I find I still have the point within me where in the “back of my mind” I am wanting to meet or come into contact with a girl that is around my age or is ‘compatible’ with me, which if I look at the point would be any girl between the ages of 18 and 35 really. I see the point of in meeting someone within these parameters I am/would actually be ‘engaging’ mind constructs and systems related to energy that I have created and accepted and allowed as myself. Though I do see the point also of wanting to communicate/interact with someone my age. I mean it is always cool to meet new people, and I find it is ‘More’ cool to meet new people now, because I find I am much more stable. And find it easier from a certain perspective to interact with them or rather where ‘I’ am more comfortable within myself, no matter what they are doing. Its like I can ‘see’ them better, which disarms reactions I may have had before. Less Resistance and More Embracing people. So When I arrived there was this girl working at the shop who I Introduced myself to, Her name was ‘Matti’ – Lol, well I think maybe though it was ‘Maddi’ in any case she was around my age so in a way this put me at ease – Shit! Never saw that point before of ‘being at ease’ with people my age, so a point in relation to why I would want or desire to be around someone my age. I noticed initially when I introduced myself she was a bit nervous, not overly, but rather normally nervous where at first our words kept bumping into each other. Though I found myself to be quite stable and not going ‘into’ any prominent anxiety points, though anxiety/nervousness was there, it was only slight and I found I was quite stable, enough so to be able to give the conversation suitable direction, And not get hung up on any words. This was pretty cool, to see that even though I perceived her as being a bit nervous, that I remain quite stable. The Furniture store where I worked today, moving around furniture, is quite a “High-End” store and the stuff costs allot of money – thousands of dollars for designer furniture. You could tell with some of the stuff as you picked it up and moved it around, that it really had no substance to it, and was purely sold as an idea of value. Quite Fascinating – there was not 1+1=2 equation directing the point at all, and you could see that everything was based on making a profit. So the point of money was quite prominent for myself today as I could see that these people move allot of money around, like LOTS! It was cool to observe the Boss women who came in later, sell to the customers. And for me to observe how she stands in relation to this point of money and value particularly when she was discussing prices with clients, It was actually pretty cool to eaves drop a bit, she seemed quite stable in the point and had little reaction if any when stating a price to a customer that “this couch is 12 thousand dollars” “or this fabric is 4 thousand” I mean, its a freaken piece of cloth. So cool to see here with no/little reaction, and simply Selling stuff for money.   I enjoyed working with the furniture and seeing all the designs and styles and seeing how they run their system. There was actually some pretty cool furniture in that store. Also we were arranging the show room and stuff so actually thats quite cool and “up my alley” as it was like walking or being ‘inside’ of  a painting, and moving shapes and colors as furniture and fabrics and lamps around. So I felt ‘somewhat comfortable’ as I was still reluctant in a few different ways to fully express, obviously, as there is this point of where/when you meet people for the first time, particularly with  a job, I found I had a very specific expression. Very controlled so to speak…not giving to much away, but also ‘constant’ in my application of working steady, and getting things done. Overall it went fairly cool. It was a cool change to actually do some physical work today, working here with my hands in a completely different environment and to see how I experience myself and direct me in different environments, I was quite comfortable within working there. Just walk and breathe and walk. Its really the same with everything where ever your are. I also took some supplies they were going to throw out like some boxes and plastic wrap stuff which I figured I can use to package any art work I sell. Still emotional stuff coming up in relation to this art work point – what if I don’t sell, what if this is a repeating pattern – what if I am unintentionally sabotaging the thing – what if my frequency is not clear, and influencing my presentation of my shop – stuff like this coming up still. And also still not clear with regards to how to place everything. Like today this guy on ‘etsy’ (the art shop thingy) invited me to his group “the men of etsy” and on the group they feature and share the work of the members, I immediately went into uncertainty with regards to how to go about this. I mean I still quite adamantly avoid placing my “etsy stuff” on facebook because that’s like ‘desteni’ turf and I have this ‘feeling’ that I am “mind fucking myself” on this whole ‘Etsy’ point. And as I have been finding that with the “etsy” shop that I ‘advertise’ on sites that are not desteni related, so its like still keeping the two worlds apart in a way. I see a point of shame within me where I experience myself as being dis-honest for doing “Etsy” because it is only being done for money. The primary point is seeing. experiencing myself as only living in self interest, and that if I was self honest I would not be doing etsy – though from my perspective, this point is not entirely clear yet, so I will continue to push the point and see where/if things become more clear with regards to the whole thing. I also see the point of anger and fighting come up with regards to “not being allowed to do etsy” Almost like a mini tantrum coming up here. Fascinating I see this “mini tantrum” come up often in relation to the art point. Like I am never able to simply just express me in this point but that it always has to have these “strings attached” and emotional bullshit coming up.  I am going to MC a Word Here to assist with clarification – Ok so tested out the Word ‘Hesitancy’  So points that come up with regards to this, are firstly the point about hesitating with regards to doing the ‘Esty’ shop, like tip-toeing in, not sure if it is the ‘right’ thing to do. So this cause some frustration within me as I would actually really just like to walk into the point, apply myself and not have to wonder or worry if “I should feel guilty or Not”

Ok going to stop there for Tonight.

Oh one more point which just came up – Hesitancy in Walking in the Matrix and Making directive decisions for myself, where in I still allow myself to question the point instead of seeing clear what is the practical common sense of the point, and there-in direct the thing. So hesitancy coming up with regards to me trusting myself to see in common sense. So the correction is to actually just walk and apply myself and TRUST MYSELF that I am actually able to see and direct myself within what is best for all and let of the beliefs that I have that “from some reason” I am unable to do this. Which is simply a belief. I Mean I have never directed myself in Self Honesty before in what is best for all – So why would I just assume that I cannot do this if I have never even tried. Ok – that was just a point that came up.

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