Writing Self to Freedom – Daily Writing – Sept 30th

Writing out my day.  I fixed a gas leak in my van today. It had started leaking about half a month ago but I avoided fixing it because it wasn’t a “big problem” but it got worse until yesterday and today, gas was leaking all over the place. Though today I planned to direct the point, which I did, which I am quite satisfied about. I have never really done any work on vehicles by myself before, so this was actually a pretty cool experience. I mean it was a very basic job, but I managed to assess the point where the problem was, and then asked around some to get some info regarding how what might be some good options, then today I went and purchased the part and took out the old leaky one and replaced it with the new part. Even though it worked out, I noticed that during the experience of doing this that I was not clam, or stable or constant within my application. I see this point as the survival point which I was writing about last week with regards to the experience that comes up inside me “like clockwork” everyday around noon. Though with this point I also see here the point of “wanting to get done with the dirty work” and get onto something ‘better’ Also within this whole point there came up the point of the “reward system” where that now because I did this “physical labour” stuff today, that I can/could reward myself for this because it is an apparently undesirable point to have done. The overall point here being that I still define and separate activities where in I give them different values depending on what they are and how I have defined myself according to them, instead of me just being here with me, Stable, walking, Here, Constant within my application of myself in directing myself in what is best for all in every moment. So this experience today revealed a layer within my self creation that requires to be corrected and brought into alignment with my self directive process of applying myself here in the moment as breath in what is best for all.  I experience this point as if walking along a pathway and then all of the sudden coming to a point in the road is completely caved away and there is gaping crevasse before me with not stable crossing. So this experience today simply revealed where I am required to be more specific in “getting stable with myself” so back to the drawing board. Some points I see within this.

1.)    I am attaching value to specific ‘types’ or kinds of tasks

2.)    I have limited myself to only being able to “remain here/constant” in specific tasks and specific environments where in as soon as I am removed from my ‘comfortable’ tasks and placed into a new environment, I go into polarity, and energy, and fluctuation.

So within this I am required to sort out the point of ‘moving environments’ where my stability as myself and my application there of, of establishing stability and consistency for myself must be ‘re-considered’ as this point was revealed within this point today to be unstable.

Also the ‘reward system’ came up again where in I allowed myself to go into the experience of believing that I deserve a reward for ‘working’ and now I can relax. I noticed this came up the other day as well when I was working at the furniture store, where when I came home, I had already accepted that I could just relax if I wanted to because “I worked today”. So simply the point of stop defining what I do within the context of allowing myself to go into an experiential value of the task at hand, which then I inevitably must “come out of” which cause fluxuations within my stability and my standing here as breath as stability no matter what, no matter where I am. So because my stability break at these points, I end up going into the mind and just fucking around or procrastinating, and becoming highly ineffective, and actually get nothing done. So it is these moments of where I have defined my tasks within a value system that create a crack so to speak in my foundation of stability as myself, where in I “slip-out” and go into the mind.

That was the main event today. I still am noticing though, that I have allot of lose ends with regards to my “self system” this point I see can be corrected through slowing down. Instead of attempting to plow through every day, rather pace myself, it is a long process, and when I apply myself within a point, place myself there fully.

So yes I noticed today that I have this pattern of applying myself for a day or two than falling for a day or two than applying me for a day or two and building me back up and falling for a day or two, so again here I must re-establish my starting point of my application  to put a stop to this cycle. As the loops are turning over quite quickly so I see this as a point of either stand now or get to the point of falling and staring back over at the beginning. So today is day one of 21 days of Self Direction, where I apply myself within and as breath, and not allow myself to go into “mind points” because I have noticed that “to go into the mind” is a decision I make, and thus see the point, and will use this 21 days as a platform to support me standing up and walking out of this shit. Like for example where I come across a segment in my application/myself that is not clear or stable and come crashing down, it is within these points that I do not necessarily have to simply just crash and go into my mind. I can ‘crash’ so to speak at these unexpected points, but it is to remain here in breath no matter what, no matter how it seems like nothing wants to give, just remain here as breath instead of giving in and giving up.

Another interesting point today came up as I was working on my Art Shop. There is this other shop that people talk about on the art shop that I am currently on, and so I decided to give this other shop a look, which I had once before. They were offering a deal today to sign up and I had already contemplated signing up before, and so today decided to go for it. After doing this I then experienced a kind of guilt, as during this whole process so far with selling my art online, I have experienced this point of guilt in a way from the perspective of seeing myself as being self dishonest, and that this point was heightened today when I paid to now join this other site. I experienced it as if I was/am wasting my money and my time. I actually felt disgusting afterwards, like I had paid for sex or something. So this point of Disgust continues to come up as I work with these art shops, and today it came up quite overwhelmingly when I signed up for this other shop. This is in large part due the fact that now to maintain two shops would be so much time, and actually not an effective use of my time with regards to “doing what is best for all’ Its like I am in a way desperate for money. Which I am. I mean anyone that live/exist in this city, must actually work for money, though I cannot seem to be able to justify this point, with the art shops.

Ok going to sleep now.

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