Archive for introduction to desteni

Self-Support To Move From Scattered to Stable

Posted in Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2011 by Author

Self-Support to Move From Scattered to Stable

I experienced myself a bit scattered today. This is often actually that I experience myself in this way. I had a few things to do today so this broke up my day and found within my day that I was not able to settle myself effectively and really establish myself Here within what I was doing.

So I am looking at this point of how to effectively stabilize myself within my world.

The first points which come up are:

1.Stop participating in the mind

2.Stick to simplicity

3.Stick to breath

With this first point I see that when I participate in my mind, where in I accept and allow myself to engage within the dialogue in my head, that I am not stable, and that if I were to actually Stop participating within my mind that I would actually be stable within my world, and be here, and be able to effectively assess my world with common sense and direct myself accordingly .

So I require to be more effective within this point of “stopping the mind” from the perspective of not engaging with the thoughts, pictures, emotions, voices, debates etc, but assist and support myself to remain Here and not participate with the “Back-Chat” that is the mind.

I see that my “Back-Chat” is fucking extensive, My mind is automated literally 24/7 and so if I am not Here and aware in every moment and supporting me to remain HERE and be HERE as myself as silence in each and every moment, Supporting me to exist here where there is no “movement” or “energy fluctuations” then it is the mind that is here as me as thoughts, feelings, emotions, as movements and fluctuations within and as self.

Thus I require to ground me. To Earth Myself.

So I see I must be more effective in actually supporting me to Stop my mind, and stop engaging in the conversations in my head.

Thus to support me,  I simply stop  participating with any voice, and thought, that exist inside me / within my mind, and that I must be ruthless within this, as to not allow myself to trick me into participating within the mind

Life for example how “positive thoughts” are fucking deceptive as these generally “feel good” to participate in and “seem harmless” but this is mind as a program and so to participate in these ‘positive thoughts’ one is actually supporting the mind, and in this case enhancing my own instability which I mentioned in the beginning of this post, from the perspective of “feeling scattered”

So this is where I am going to start to assist and support myself to re-establish my stability of Self, I am going to push the point of Stopping  Myself from Participating, engaging within conversations, thoughts within my mind. Where as soon as I notice that I am actually existing as a voice in my mind as Back-Chat as thought, and as soon as I notice that I am participating within an energetic fluctuation or movement  within me than I stop immediately, as I realize that this is my mind, and immediately bring myself back here.

And within this I focus on simplicity. And use breath as a stability point, by focusing on breath, my breathing,  to assist and support me to remain Here in the physical with and as my physical body, and not “up in there” in my mind.

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Investigating What it Means to Be Here and to Be Self Present.

Posted in desteni income plan, destni 'I' process, equal money system, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification, Structural Resonance Alignment, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2011 by Author

So I was looking at this point of “slowing down” today. Also the point of how I only have so much ‘tolerance’ to do certain tasks for only so long and then eventually I have to take a break. I have been noticing that my attention span is quite short in that I often “take breaks” and work in “bursts of energy”. What I understand, and am working on correcting is not to apply myself within ‘energy’ which is clearly being indicated that I am doing, seen within requiring to take frequent breaks or only having so much ‘tolerance’ or ‘focus’ to perform a task. Instead of rather applying myself within a point of constancy and consistency where I remain stable and consistent in ones application so I do not crash, or run out of energy or existing within jumping back and forth between the two polarities of getting lots and lots done and then going to the opposite polarity and get absolutely nothing done. Rather I am exploring this point of Consistency as to direct myself into and as an application that Stands, and that doesn’t crash every few days, as so far this has been the case.
I have always considered myself to be disciplined which to me meant being able to “get tasks done” and not giving into laziness. Though at the moment this “way that I have always considered myself” is not coming through, but rather only existing as a hope at the moment instead of a living application.
So one aspect within exploring this point of how to direct and apply myself in my world so I stop ending up in the “crash” is the aspect of slowing down. So what do I mean exactly by slowing down. One dimension of this is “not rushing” interesting I have written about this point quite a bit and yet here I am again writing out the point again. I find this point of slowing down to be one of the coolest points of my process actually because of the moments where in I do actually apply myself within this point of slowing down, and how I see the absolute power that exist within this point of slowing down and remaining here. It is a point of Self Presence where one is Completely Here in what one is doing, and so for myself have found this to be a point or thee point which I see would really support me within my world, within this reality, and within process.
I also see that I have gauged my day where in there is only so much possible within a day, and that from a certain perspective I see that I attempt to do waaayyyy to much, and then there is this “holding my breath” that takes place as I move through my day not wanting anything to interrupt me or get in my way because if I step of track for even one second then I won’t be able to get everything done – I see that this is not Self Presence and Self Here and that this is not supporting me to become effective in my day.
So I require to direct myself in such a way that I have ample time to direct each point as if comes up and remain effective and “up to date” within the system where the bills are paid and I am feeding myself properly and things like this. I remember in art school and when I used to make lots of art work that I would eat not very much. And that today as well at the end of the night I was starting to feel hungry and realized that I was in fact neglecting this food point and not effectively feeding myself because it just takes to much time and I am attempting to “save time” by not eating as much or by eating out. So Even Here I see this as a problem and that I should not be within such an application where I am trying to “Save time” as this is indicating that I am behind and within an application of energy instead of just being here within breath.

Responsibility and Obligation coming through in DREAMS about Quiting my Job.

Posted in desteni income plan, equal money system, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification, Structural Resonance Alignment, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2010 by Author

I am going to write about a dream I had last night. I haven’t yet been ‘through’ this dream in detail, so will see what comes up here.
This is in relation to my experience over the last two months with regards to the job I held at a “Horse Ranch” which I simply could no longer support from the perspective of the “point of abuse” I experienced in relation to my position or role in the system they had going there to keep everything moving as well as how “I was being considered” from the perspective of “what I was responsible for and how much money I was being paid to do it”
So I decided to no more continue with the job and go back to finding myself another job. I sent an e-mail last Monday making it clear on my position and that I would no longer be continuing work there.
Though last night at about 8:00pm I received an e-mail asking me to work the next day. I was not pleased as I had already let this point go, and this e-mail showed either a continuation of the manipulation I observed going on before, or that they simply never received the e-mail.
I at first felt ‘obligated’ to work the next day as if I am the one who was responsible for the situation and that I must work, as it is my responsibility to see that all communication is clear, understood, and clarified which it obviously was not as something was missed.
I e-mailed explaining that I had already sent an e-mail, I then re-explained my position and asked them to confirm that they did indeed receive this mail by sending me a return mail. I received nothing and by that time it was already around midnight so did not want to phone.
So I looked at the point and decided that I would not go. Though I felt extremely guilty, I decided that in this case it is there responsibility as well to ensure their system is running, where in fact here they were not specific within communication waiting until the very last minute to contact me, and thus I help my initial point of deciding to no more support “the system I found myself in while working there”
I wondered if I was even going to able to sleep because of the experience I was having inside my self of the obligation I felt to work for them to no leave me hanging, though not considering my own standing on the point and not allowing guilt to influence the decision. The next morning I after I woke up which I deliberately slept in so that I would not have to face the point if I were to wake-up early, so I slept in, as well the night before watching movies as an attempt to distract myself from this situation.
Seeing now the importance of ensuring ones communication is always clear, direct and received, otherwise if one leave points hanging one end up in experiences like the one I experience last night, as well as which come through in my dreams as I slept.

The Dreams as follows.

There were three scenarios.
Each one the same from the perspective of “morning arriving” and me showing up ‘late’ to the farm to see if someone had “taken responsibility” for where I saw myself as having “left them hanging” so experienced much guilt.

In each of the scenarios I was actually living on the farm, so basically was right there and able to work, though in real life, it is an hour drive out to the farm, and at the moment my vehicle has a spare so did not want to minimize the driving.

So in the dream I approached the barn, and began to peer my head around the corner to see if anyone was in the barn, I experienced allot of nervousness. In the first dream there was someone sweeping the barn. So they had found someone to give direction to the point, I experienced a sense of relieve. It was a women/girl and I walked into Barn I bit hesitant that I would be “looked down upon” or “get in trouble” or “seen as irresponsible” as I approached the girl she had no reaction what so ever. And was actually quite friendly. She actually was a bit new at the job so I offered to assist now that I was there in. So we both worked together to direct the animals and duties and I experienced a point of flow, no friction or animosity or resentment.

The second dream was the same in how it started, and it was a girl there tending to the duties that i had perceived myself to have “left hanging” and now had to face. Only this time it was the girl that usually works there, I said hello, and she said hello as she was sweeping the floor then suddenly you could hear anger and resentment coming through in her voice as she began to attack me. This was actually the reaction that I feared inside myself upon approaching.

And this is one of the points that in real life I observed within this girl, this point of anger, resentment sitting there below the surface waiting get out, waiting for someone to take it out on, and obviously was in by continuing to work there setting myself up to be that person. A point at which her father was already utilizing within communication with me, showing absolute enslavement to his own inner frustrations, blame, and anger, and taking them out on me because “I worked there”

Within this entire experience a point that is now coming through is that I must trust myself in these things I see “under the surface” and not simply ignore them.

Also in the dream there was the other guy, Ricardo who worked on the farm and he came walking around the corner and I felt guilty. He represents that point of Responsibility, and always “doing the right thing”

So I did not want to look him in the eye because in a way by me not showing up meant that he would have to take up the extra slack, and that he was already overworked.

So it was quite a dream / experience.

I was ‘startled’ in the morning of how I received an e-mail of no more than two sentences basically saying “ok, sorry I missed your e-mail, good luck in the future” something along those lines, which the event in itself lasted all of 30 seconds and that was it. There was not some “big explosion reaction consequence” that I was expecting or feared to have happen. So seeing here how I completely went into the mind on this point specifically linked here into the point of “Obligation” and “Responsibility” being the two primary points I am seeing that I am looking at here.

Other than that, I sent out two Job applications today

One to a Dog Walking Company
And
One two a “water filtration company” looking for a part-time graphic designer.

In terms of the Dog Walking, well for both of these jobs for that matter, I am going to take my time. Meaning not simply jump at anything that comes up, but get to know the people individuals I will be working with and ensure that I can actually walk the established time frames with these beings. And not ignore any “red flags” that come up.

Like for example a company offering Dog “obedience” – I mean what the fuck – lol but also “walk the point” meaning actually discuss these points with the company to see if my ‘perceptions’ remain or if they were actually just points I created in my mind without any real reference point.

Though I mean at the desteni farm and from my perspective you create an environment for your animal so that they can simply live here in support on this earth as well. Its not about making a Dog Obedient, as your slave, thats fucked up Ego Shit. I mean calling your Dog is straight forward, and developing communication with your Dog cool, but anyways that word ‘obedience’ triggers a “master/slave” point inside of me.

Otherwise, I am still here.
In my world, and am busy looking for work and jobs to earn money for myself.
And actually start generating money so I can actually move in this world, instead of always making just enough so that I can survive and break even every month.

The Burden of Money – Exploring Emotional Reaction Point – Oct 18th/10

Posted in desteni equallife network, equal money system, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification, Structural Resonance Alignment, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 18, 2010 by Author

Ok, I am going to focus Here on a Particular Event which happened today. The event occurred at the furniture store where I have been helping out periodically assembling furniture and assisting with moving items around the show room.

One of the cool points about the store is that it is an opportunity for me to “remain here” and aware of myself within my environment as this furniture is quite expensive and I am often moving items around and must be sure not to knock into something or leave a mark on something, so one must be quite focused and deliberate with each movement while moving the furniture.

I have also been wondering about a job interview that I was supposed to here back from today, so noticed that this thought would come up while I was working. At one point after setting up some lamps I decided to check my messages, and to my relief I noticed that someone had left a message on my phone and I figured it was about a potential job. So yes there was both excitement and relief coming up in this moment. So I checked my messages and it was related to a construction job in order to arrange an interview with me for tomorrow.  That was pretty, cool, I mean, yes the furniture store is what it is, but was quite temporary from my point of view. So this was a pretty cool point, I could really see myself working in this job, and as I looked at this point I noticed certain experiences coming up inside me, as I observed myself there on the job site SMASH!!!…Back to reality. I was so busy now looking at this point, off in my mind, that I “lost touch” with the moment here and had bumped without noticing one of the brand new glass lamps that I had just set up. No doubt to be sold for around 1000.00. It fell over and smashed to pieces, which brought me back out of the mind instantly only to realize what I had done , being so preoccupied with this new job potential, in my mind, ended up knocking over and smashing one of the glass lamps.

Fuck. Was my immediate reaction. I stood there, in a way, seeing that I had done that which I actually feared doing since I arrived at the store, which was knocking something over and/or causing damage to one of the expensive pieces of furniture. This entire point created and focused around the point of money and how it is currently functioning within this reality and inside human beings. I experienced shame/self judgement/I deserve to be punished immediately firstly because I see that I was in my mind which is why I knocked the lamp over. So there exist here the point of how I have accepted and allowed me to define myself as this being something that “is so typical” or “so like me” to do. Here I see myself within this kind of “irresponsibility” and “inevitable fuck-up” like sure I am a good help, but “I come with mistakes” I have judged myself quite a bit around this point of where I see myself as the one that always makes a mistake, so here the point of “not good enough” coming up. Like I see myself as a structure with this “weak point” or “holes” which always come through in everything that I do. A point where I simply “loose focus” and that this point separate me from “the smart ones” “the capable ones” “the ones that can be trusted” and “relied upon” where I am not one of these beings, and cannot be relied on because I make mistakes that cost. I see that I have always kind of seen myself in this light, like I am the one who when things got tough, wouldn’t be able to pull through, and didn’t have the ‘compeleteness’ to actually do something 100 percent. Its like the acceptance of myself as less than complete, as not whole, as missing something within myself, where there is just an empty, space, like a blank out in me– Ok I wasn’t even going to discuss this initial point but now I see that it is also quite a prominent point within my design which was active here. So this is specific and will now take this into consideration as I lay out the next point and look to see where and how they are related or inter-linked.

The next point has specifically to do with money. As I now went into a point of fear where I feared how the owner would react. Up until that point my relationship with the owner had been pretty cool, I saw myself as being effective within the job and saw that the owner felt this way about me also. So now here I was, breaking this lamp worth a 1000 dollars and now losing the company money, so there the point of money as how it has been created and designed within this world and within myself and in this case the owner was now playing-out. The owner never reacted much ‘outwardly’ but I am sure had many internal reactions which she refrained from expressing. Although this is irrelevant from the perspective of actually sorting out my own reaction.

I got really quiet after this happened and felt as though I had done something really wrong. I could see that my reaction was actually based on the design of money, though I still went into the reaction of, fear inside me of what the owner really think of me, I hoped that she was not mad at me and judging me even through she was not saying anything. I saw inside of myself her judging me, I saw her actually being angry and upset because the vase cost lots of money. Also the point of seeing that she did not want to work with me anymore. I did not speak of my reaction inside myself and actually open up the point in self honesty and express how I really felt. I did not even consider doing this.

I saw this reaction/experience I was having, and that it was in fact quite a dominating reaction, which is why I am here now looking at this point more specifically and opening this point up, to see why and how I designed this entire emotional reaction because this point came over me and possessed me completely. The reaction was not an elaborate one in an extroverted kind of way, it was a silent reaction, I experienced an energy wave come over me like a dark cloud , where it just kind “set-in” I would then avoid looking the owner in the eye, as I was ashamed of myself and also now the personality of myself that I had worked so hard to establish as being reliable, ‘shattered’, with the shattering of the lamp, and there I was, vulnerable, and in the open, as I had “made a mistake” The money point is quite prominent here as this ‘mistake’ was in a way quite a “large one” from the perspective of the ‘value’ placed on it through and because of ‘money’. This point was not assessed through the actual physical transaction that occurred but rather defined completely according to money and thus, I did not simply shatter some glass, I had from my perspective, placed another in a point of compromise where in I cost them money, and take money off of their pay. So this was the main reason for my reaction, and could not look the owner in the eye for the rest of the day, Because in a way I experienced the point as if she was now paying for me, where I am like a actual burden on the owner. I experienced myself like an actual Burden on the owner, regardless of what she said or did. This was the experience that I was having inside of me. I felt low, and at the end of the day one of the other employees asked if I was tired. I wasn’t tired, though experienced this reaction point of me being a burden now to the owner and the store, where this point of me being a burden exist in relation to the point of money, and this experience I was now going though was not cool.

I see this point in relation to my mother, as in a way my relationship to the owner I see being similar in nature and construct to that of my mother. Where she was like the supportive point and I was like the helper. I sometimes felt like a burden on my mother in terms of money. This “emotional experience” of being the burden though only came up more obviously later in life, and after art school.

I am not seeing a definitive point coming here although there is memory of myself as a child being at the laundry mat with my mother. This memory is simply popping up here, although I cannot see this connection of where I would have formed and moulded this point of myself as being the burden from the perspective of money in relation to my mother or another

She used to give us money when we went to the laundry mat so that we could go around the corner and buy candy. Still not seeing the connection.

How about a point where I experienced myself as a burden or kind of debt in relation to another being where I was a burden for them, and there in formed the idea of myself as being a burden, like a debt, a weight upon them, which eventually play-out in relation to money. This here seem like more the ‘creation’ point of this design, not necessarily in relation to money initially, so to explore this point from this perspective.

I am going to stop there for tonight.

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