Archive for self

Having a Closer Look at my Day – Desteni Process Blog

Posted in Business and Work, desteni equallife network, destni 'I' process, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2011 by Author

I woke up to my alarm this morning at 6am…I got up and looked out the window to see if it had snowed. It had not so this meant I did not have to go out to work, which I was not expecting anyways. So I got back under my warm covers telling myself it was only for a moment. I laid there and allowed the point of possibly falling back to sleep all the while attempting to motivate myself through thinking to get up and out of bed. I eventually got up at 6:45. I experienced anger and guilt. But not allot, where I find the longer I sleep in past my alarm then the more anger and guilt I experience, depending also on where I am “in the cycle” meaning if this is a repeating point then I tend to become more angry and have more guilt. Ok so I was up and was a bit angry with myself but not much I can do about it now.
I don’t see, or have found that I am not able to “forgive myself” for doing this, because that would be like trying to forgive yourself “after the fact” for doing something instead of applying forgiveness in the moment to support self to push through a specific resistance. The correction for this point as I have I am sure mentioned before is to simply stick to the alarm and stop allowing myself to short change myself when I see I am capable of doing something.
On my way to work this afternoon I decided to stop and get a coffee which I often do when going to work, I noticed as I pulled up into the parking-lot that I experienced a little electrical experience of excitement rising out of my stomach and into my chest area, like one of those “sparkler thingy’s” that you light and they fizzzzzz and shoot off bright sparks all over. This was definitely a positive charge from the perspective of maybe possibly seeing someone that I might find attractive working or being in the cafe, so it is like this aspect of relationship still existing inside of me which “pops up” in moments because I can see that this seemingly small electrical charge that came up is actually connected to the relationship point and sex point.
As I walked towards the cafe from my van, In one moment I lost my footing on the ice and nearly fell but adjusted my feet in time to catch myself before I fell. I experienced my ‘ego’ come up immediately and showed me how extensively I was/am existing within my ego personality from the perspective when I slipped I experienced embarrassment as now my ‘image’ of who I was in that moment existing as completely shattered, as in that moment I was cool and collected, and serious, and professional, and precise and surely do not slip on the ice and flail my arms all about to try and re-gain balance. So it was a physical movement point here to in how I move within my specific presentation. Such a fuck up as the “Flux” I experienced as movement as embarrassment was quite allot from my perspective which indicate the degree I was not Here but rather existing as an ego, and I am seeing to also how this become more prominent as I go out in public. Upon entering the cafe I experienced immediate relief within myself, like a point of inner relaxation come over me as I noticed it was a male working the till, as I experienced fear that there may be an attractive women working the till. This is actually quite an odd point. Ok so I experience excitement within myself that I might encounter an attractive women. But then I go into fear over this point to the degree where I tense up and am no longer myself at all, and then when seeing it is a male working the till, I completely relax and am able to “be myself” otherwise I would just be this robot locked in fear if it were an attractive women. So yes obviously this point requires specific direction so that I no longer have this reaction at all to women but rather get to the point where I am not longer controlled by this point but that I am directive, here, myself, with no matter who.
I Got my coffee and went, I did not tip, felt a slight negative charge, guilt, what will they think that I did not tip.
Coffee was perfect. I was pleased and looked at the person who made my coffee thinking he is experienced at his job and is stable in making the coffees and so got a cool coffee.
When I got to work I again experienced that slight excitement within rising from my stomach into my chest, this was due to a worker that I have not yet met but only know of and wondering if today maybe I will meet this person and what she might look like. So same point as before, relationship and sex. In these moments I simply breath and do not go into the point. Sometimes I go into it but I realize the point is to simply not, to breathe and just breathe and support self to remain here with and as self and stop all participation in energy, this is the understanding that I apply.
You know, what goes up must come down. I am seeing this point now as well within my writing here from the perspective of writing from and within the starting point of energy where in if I build up all this energy to write a blog and then launch myself into it, it is like this rolling ball of momentum until the energy runs out and then the blog is over. Rather I see the point of being constant and consistent within the point of writing where I support myself by not accepting and allowing myself to go into energy when I write as what goes up must come down. So within this I can support myself in my process as I do much writing and have been exploring this point of remaining Here within and as the physical as I direct myself within my world and in this case writing as a way to be more consistent and not “burn out” all of the sudden.
So will be cool also to just expand this point and identify all the moments and points within my world where I access energy and to stabilize myself here by rather than moving within my day within and as energy, I direct myself within and as the physical and stick to the physical and breath as I walk. It is quite interesting to see how extensively I have existed within energy in my life as I always considered myself to be “more stable” and not so much energetic but am now seeing that I live much of the time within and as energy, and so to step out of this “existing as energy” has been cool, and from a certain perspective has only just begun. This entire reality is based on energy, on positive and negative and so will be pretty cool to see how it goes in terms of walking the process of “stepping out of energy” from the perspective of being directed and moved and influenced by this but rather where one direct oneself Here as Life as the practical consideration of what is best for all. So it is a change in principle so to speak, from the principle of directing myself according to energy, to directing oneself according to what is best for all.

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Moving Through Self Doubt – Remaining Here and Sticking to the Physical

Posted in Artist, destni 'I' process, Re-Creating Self and this World, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 23, 2011 by Author

I experienced some doubt coming up today. This ‘doubt’ I experienced was in relation to the current project I am working on with regards to doing Logo Design. I have started with making my own Logo and have enjoyed the process of this and have been working on this now for quite some time, probably over 60 hours so far over a period of around a month. I had/have it at a stage which I am satisfied I can start placing, but then when I opened the file today and looked at it, I judged it and was not satisfied anymore and experienced a drop within myself because I was so close to having this ready to go and start to be able to walk the next stage of the preparation phase which is to place an add on my local job listings site advertising the service at a discount rate from the perspective of simply attracting some projects where I can “gain experience” or rather “fine tune my process” as this sounds ‘safer’ to the client, and so yes place it as a “special Limited time offer”. But today when I looked again at my Logo I was not entirely satisfied and even considered another “re-design” which is like much time and effort and so I experienced this point of Self Doubt coming up, like “this is never going to work”.
I experienced a point of failure as an energetic experience of failing in the centre of my solar plexus / chest and experienced myself giving up. Other points also emerged as I continued to research this point on the internet to see how I will place all the points, and so as I researched began to doubt myself around my experience level.
So the correction Here is to stick to the physical. Ok so I have gotten to a stage where it is not going “as planned” based on my desire which is my energetic projection of how I want it to go, and because the actual physical movement and my energetic projection did not align I went into this experience of “Oh it will never work” though I see the Key is simply to remain HERE. And to just keep walking the physical points. Focusing on the physical direction of the point. I see that this is a cycle, and I am in the “low point” or the stage of the cycle where I would “give in” as going into a point of depression for a while and then eventually starting up with the point again. So rather not go into these cycles. These cycles can go and play themselves out if they want but I will be there. I will be Here directing myself in the physical, so it is irrelevant what energy does as the point is to remain Here.
I fell on this point last time and had a little mini collapse and gave up. So cool to see that it is exactly the same point as before clarifying even further that it is in fact just an energetic cycle.
So breath, remain Here and direct myself in the physical and do not pay attention to the experience of myself of “not being able to do it” of “doubting myself” I mean in practical common sense, I haven’t actually even tested the point yet so have no actual real feed-back that it is not going to work. But rather just having an experience of doubt. So yes I must stick to Here, and not go into positive or negative energy charges about what may or may not happen, because I see that the only real indication of how things are going must be measured in the physical and so will stick to this and continue to move the physical points as they are still here to be moved/directed.

Environment Changing me is Not Actual Change.

Posted in destni 'I' process, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 18, 2011 by Author

I was looking at the point of what we as human beings require consequence to change. Or why we has beings, as individuals require consequence to change. Now the reason I place it this way as I have noticed this point within me where I rather than actually will myself to change my nature I rather let it play out until I hit a consequence which will then bring me to a point of actually making a ‘serious’ consideration to change my application, my participation, my nature, my behavior, myself. I place the work ‘serious’ in quotes because even though when there is a consequence I must face which then “push me” to consider change ‘seriously’ I see that I have/had not yet gone deep enough or taken this point seriously enough because what I find is that I don’t actually change. But “forget about it” until the con-sequence come around again and it is the same point over again.
So no matter how hard I look or take seriously the point of change, I end up forgetting and back to the same ol’ patterns. And even saying to myself to watch out for forgetting because I have been through that before, yet end up forgetting.
When I left the Desteni Farm I was a different person. And what I have found is that since being back in Canada I have really faced myself. Because now from a certain perspective I am in the “Matrix”, lol, that sounds so epic, lol.
So Here is how the story goes. I create myself within and in relation to and along with my environment for 26 years. Then, I am taken from that environment and placed into a completely new environment on the Desteni Farm. Then I start to apparently change which is all fine and cool, and I spend two years in this new environment and experience myself differently in that for this two years I participate within the world not like I had previously. Ok cool so now there is some “change occurring”.

Then take me out of this new environment and place me back in my old environment and what do you suppose happens. I go back to how I was living before – So what does this show me. That I in fact had not changed. From a certain perspective there was a process of change occurring but within looking at the point I see that this was more of an external change where I was more changing in response to my environment as a kind of from the outside moving inward kind of change. So when the Environment changes then I change, seeing as how the “Change” I experienced on the Desteni Farm was largely from the outside in.

I mean if would have taken a point on from the very centre core of myself and changed, more from the perspective of changing me from the very starting point of me…well not “from the perspective of” but rather had actually in fact gotten to the very beginning of me then it would not matter where you place me, and what environment I am in as the change that would be occurring would be from the inside out, and thus the change would be actually be a Self Change.

So in many ways this is the point I am seeing with regards to how I have attempted change and that no matter how serious I am about it that I always end up forgetting, as the change is more of an idea and the one Key Factor I see that I am missing is Knowing who I am and actually living and existing as myself here within breath. Because if I am Not Here, then how is change supposed to happen if I am no where to be found, how then am I supposed to change.

So from a certain perspective the point I am busy with now is not “changing” per se but rather ‘getting to self’ and being here with self, living and walking that self in every breath, so I can actually walk a point of change. And all it takes is one second and one moment to flee, to abandon myself and off into the mind, and actually not even realize it.

I noticed even today I was not Here, yet I was almost Here – lol. Because when I am Here, I know it, but today there exist within me this “point off in the distance” like “what is that” and so I go just looking out over there, just trying to see what it is out there, and in this slight diversion I miss ME all day. So specific.

Identifying Re-Occuring Projections/Desires – Desteni Farm = Self Discipline

Posted in destni 'I' process, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification, Structural Resonance Alignment, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 30, 2011 by Author

A point came up with regards to projection when I was watching one of the Latest Desteni Video Uploads.
As I watched the video, I was looking at the point of how I keep having this point of desire/projection coming up towards the Desteni Farm.
So in looking at why this projection keeps coming up and what is it about myself that I am not yet living as myself that “The Desteni Farm” represent, which is the source for why this keeps coming up.
So the point that I am projecting onto the Desteni Farm which I am not living as myself but only desiring to live is the

Discipline
Self Direction
Perfection.

Though seeing the point of Discipline as being the key element here. As in terms of how I see discipline, it implies Self Direction and Perfection.

So this is the point – Discipline. Which I am not yet living and so rather than actually live and apply myself
go into a point of projection, when in fact what I am desiring is not the desteni farm per se but rather Self Discipline, where in I direct myself in Self Discipline everyday, breathing, remaining here and directing myself within Self Discipline as to accumulate and create myself into a being which I ‘desire’ to be. Meaning, when I was on the Farm, I was started to become more effective within my reality, within communication, within practical labour, within information processing, within many aspects of my life. It was like I was actually building myself. And that his occur through constant and consistent application. There is no secret or trick, it was simple constant and consistent application of self within a point of Self Discipline.

So this is the point that I am not yet living in my world, but what I am only desiring to live.
So cool to see this point.

Process Update – Managing My World. (3 Stories)

Posted in Business and Work, Life Experiences, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 3, 2011 by Author

I am definitely within an application of “avoidance” at the moment, and allowing my mind to direct me. This morning I slept in until 7am when I planned to get up at 6am, though within me last night I can see that I “was not up for it” and believing 6am was to early as I was quite exhausted last night. And so I ‘intended’ to get up but overslept my alarm. I experienced guilt immediately upon waking as I started doing a 21 days 6 hours sleep process.

So when waking I went into a point of guilt and noticed also that I was “less directive” in my day, as I was in a way, allowing me to remain ‘stuck’ in this energy of guilt and slowness. Like a point of “I have failed”
When if I practically look at the situation, I mean it was 7am instead of 6am, practically speaking that will have not “great affect” on my day, and it is more practical to let go of the point and start directing myself in that which I require to do today.

I saw that I allowed the point of guilt in a way as an accepted experience of self when I “fail at something” or “fall on a point” – Though the energetic experience I was allowing was not related practically to my reality but more on past experiences of guilt as what I noticed is that my day is Still Here in front of me, and so pointless to allow me to exist in this point of guilt, like making a big point of nothing really.

Its interesting I see that I within this point have allowed this very initial starting point of the waking up in the morning determine the rest of my day, instead of me being the starting point of me in every moment here, where in any given moment, I can correct self, instead of locking myself into a cycle where I have to wait for the next opportunity.

I remember on the farm I was faced a few times with the point of experiencing a point of depression, and that I could allow myself to exist within this point of depression, and regret, or I could Stop, and get up off my ass and apply myself within my world.

This is the point that I saw this morning, where I realized that I do not have to exist within this point of guilt or depression which was “triggered by sleeping in” Fuck that, I can Stop, and correct myself and start applying myself in my day.

Last night I met with an x-girlfriend of mine who I had been in a relationship with for 8 years and who I broke up with around the time I started with desteni.

So was interesting to sit and chat last night as I had not spoken with her for couple years now.

I noticed that I within the discussion I experience quite a bit of paint in my upper shoulders, back and neck as we communicated, so see a point of straining myself and clenching myself within during our communication last night where I was accessing points of mind within our interaction and within communicating. So interesting to see this tension and pain come up immediately within starting to communicate with this being.

Its like a point of “really wanting to get a message though” within which I tense up my entire back and shoulders. And even a point of not trusting my expression, communication, words to communicate effectively.

Like wanting her to agree with me and see and understand my words and affirm what it is I am speaking about.

Though overall the conversation/discussion was quite cool.

Another point that occurred yesterday was that the point of doing “furniture assembly and delivery” for the furniture shop I am currently working with opened up.

This is quite a cool point and can see there is some excitement within me towards this though , I am also experiencing a “straining” within this excitement I experience, like “what if things don’t work out” so it is like two adverse points manifesting a strain within me.

So basically yesterday within discussion of possibly expanding my duties at the furniture shop, I inquired if “they have a delivery service” because I had noticed that there are usually a few items in the back waiting to be picked up by customers and most often these items are smallish – and so wondered if “there was a market for this” in where why not I “Offer the service of doing the delivery” as I at the moment have a van and so can fit in some smaller items for delivery.

So I discussed the point some with the owner and she said she would pass along my number to clients, and also recommend me to clients who require small furniture delivery.

So this is quite exciting because I see here another opportunity of taking this point on as a business, of which I can do furniture delivery and assembly. So I have done some research today on the point and this seems very realistic so am going to take this point on, as I also see that this will not simply “end after winter” like the “Snow Removal Service” but can actually walk this point and develop this point for a longer period of time.

So now I am at the stage where, I see this point and am exceeded, yet must breathe as reality only move so fast and thus must take this point on “practically” and “common sensically” and like the “Snow Removal Business” There are points of uncertainty with regards to money, and how/if I will manage the point of getting this going.

I also got a call yesterday which I have not yet returned about, would ya know it, doing “furniture assembly” lol – I actually had found a job application online doing this and inquired about the point which funny enough, opened up inside of me the point of inquiring with my current company about offering my services through them. Lol,

So this is quite funny as this is similar to what happened with the snow removal service where I initially “began the point” by browsing through jobs, and going for a job interview, and then within looking at the whole point deciding to simply “do the point for myself” instead of “working for others” doing something I can actually do on my own.

So I am sure I will update later to indicate/show, what’s working, and what not, and the type of specificity and application required to ensuring that these “businesses or service offers” are practically functional. Though for now will keep it simply and keep it physical.

Responsibility and Obligation coming through in DREAMS about Quiting my Job.

Posted in desteni income plan, equal money system, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Self forgiveness - Purification, Structural Resonance Alignment, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 5, 2010 by Author

I am going to write about a dream I had last night. I haven’t yet been ‘through’ this dream in detail, so will see what comes up here.
This is in relation to my experience over the last two months with regards to the job I held at a “Horse Ranch” which I simply could no longer support from the perspective of the “point of abuse” I experienced in relation to my position or role in the system they had going there to keep everything moving as well as how “I was being considered” from the perspective of “what I was responsible for and how much money I was being paid to do it”
So I decided to no more continue with the job and go back to finding myself another job. I sent an e-mail last Monday making it clear on my position and that I would no longer be continuing work there.
Though last night at about 8:00pm I received an e-mail asking me to work the next day. I was not pleased as I had already let this point go, and this e-mail showed either a continuation of the manipulation I observed going on before, or that they simply never received the e-mail.
I at first felt ‘obligated’ to work the next day as if I am the one who was responsible for the situation and that I must work, as it is my responsibility to see that all communication is clear, understood, and clarified which it obviously was not as something was missed.
I e-mailed explaining that I had already sent an e-mail, I then re-explained my position and asked them to confirm that they did indeed receive this mail by sending me a return mail. I received nothing and by that time it was already around midnight so did not want to phone.
So I looked at the point and decided that I would not go. Though I felt extremely guilty, I decided that in this case it is there responsibility as well to ensure their system is running, where in fact here they were not specific within communication waiting until the very last minute to contact me, and thus I help my initial point of deciding to no more support “the system I found myself in while working there”
I wondered if I was even going to able to sleep because of the experience I was having inside my self of the obligation I felt to work for them to no leave me hanging, though not considering my own standing on the point and not allowing guilt to influence the decision. The next morning I after I woke up which I deliberately slept in so that I would not have to face the point if I were to wake-up early, so I slept in, as well the night before watching movies as an attempt to distract myself from this situation.
Seeing now the importance of ensuring ones communication is always clear, direct and received, otherwise if one leave points hanging one end up in experiences like the one I experience last night, as well as which come through in my dreams as I slept.

The Dreams as follows.

There were three scenarios.
Each one the same from the perspective of “morning arriving” and me showing up ‘late’ to the farm to see if someone had “taken responsibility” for where I saw myself as having “left them hanging” so experienced much guilt.

In each of the scenarios I was actually living on the farm, so basically was right there and able to work, though in real life, it is an hour drive out to the farm, and at the moment my vehicle has a spare so did not want to minimize the driving.

So in the dream I approached the barn, and began to peer my head around the corner to see if anyone was in the barn, I experienced allot of nervousness. In the first dream there was someone sweeping the barn. So they had found someone to give direction to the point, I experienced a sense of relieve. It was a women/girl and I walked into Barn I bit hesitant that I would be “looked down upon” or “get in trouble” or “seen as irresponsible” as I approached the girl she had no reaction what so ever. And was actually quite friendly. She actually was a bit new at the job so I offered to assist now that I was there in. So we both worked together to direct the animals and duties and I experienced a point of flow, no friction or animosity or resentment.

The second dream was the same in how it started, and it was a girl there tending to the duties that i had perceived myself to have “left hanging” and now had to face. Only this time it was the girl that usually works there, I said hello, and she said hello as she was sweeping the floor then suddenly you could hear anger and resentment coming through in her voice as she began to attack me. This was actually the reaction that I feared inside myself upon approaching.

And this is one of the points that in real life I observed within this girl, this point of anger, resentment sitting there below the surface waiting get out, waiting for someone to take it out on, and obviously was in by continuing to work there setting myself up to be that person. A point at which her father was already utilizing within communication with me, showing absolute enslavement to his own inner frustrations, blame, and anger, and taking them out on me because “I worked there”

Within this entire experience a point that is now coming through is that I must trust myself in these things I see “under the surface” and not simply ignore them.

Also in the dream there was the other guy, Ricardo who worked on the farm and he came walking around the corner and I felt guilty. He represents that point of Responsibility, and always “doing the right thing”

So I did not want to look him in the eye because in a way by me not showing up meant that he would have to take up the extra slack, and that he was already overworked.

So it was quite a dream / experience.

I was ‘startled’ in the morning of how I received an e-mail of no more than two sentences basically saying “ok, sorry I missed your e-mail, good luck in the future” something along those lines, which the event in itself lasted all of 30 seconds and that was it. There was not some “big explosion reaction consequence” that I was expecting or feared to have happen. So seeing here how I completely went into the mind on this point specifically linked here into the point of “Obligation” and “Responsibility” being the two primary points I am seeing that I am looking at here.

Other than that, I sent out two Job applications today

One to a Dog Walking Company
And
One two a “water filtration company” looking for a part-time graphic designer.

In terms of the Dog Walking, well for both of these jobs for that matter, I am going to take my time. Meaning not simply jump at anything that comes up, but get to know the people individuals I will be working with and ensure that I can actually walk the established time frames with these beings. And not ignore any “red flags” that come up.

Like for example a company offering Dog “obedience” – I mean what the fuck – lol but also “walk the point” meaning actually discuss these points with the company to see if my ‘perceptions’ remain or if they were actually just points I created in my mind without any real reference point.

Though I mean at the desteni farm and from my perspective you create an environment for your animal so that they can simply live here in support on this earth as well. Its not about making a Dog Obedient, as your slave, thats fucked up Ego Shit. I mean calling your Dog is straight forward, and developing communication with your Dog cool, but anyways that word ‘obedience’ triggers a “master/slave” point inside of me.

Otherwise, I am still here.
In my world, and am busy looking for work and jobs to earn money for myself.
And actually start generating money so I can actually move in this world, instead of always making just enough so that I can survive and break even every month.

Doing Things Instead of Expressing Self – October 26th

Posted in AndrewGableArtist, Artist, desteni income plan, equal money system, Life Experiences, Re-Creating Self and this World, Structural Resonance Alignment, Uncategorized, Writing Self to Freedom - Daily Writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 27, 2010 by Author

Well, I made some vlogs today speaking about my experience about work and stuff, but the sound was messed up on some of them and then the other ones I was not satisfied. So now this is a point here which has become a suppression point. This doing vlogs. I have over the last week or so, done probably around 8 vlogs or so, and I have not posted a single one. I often am simply not satisfied with the clarity and precision of myself within speaking.

So I am here looking at this point now of why I have created about 8 vlogs and not posted any of them, but erase them, or just leave them sitting there because I am simply not satisfied with them.

Sometimes I believe that the vlogs and the information I am speaking is not specific enough or is just mind stuff. Other times its like I mess up on a point, or get lost in what I am saying for a moment or two, or in some I notice I go into knowledge and information that I have not actually lived, and so just have found I am not satisfied with any of the vlogs I have been making.

I have also been preparing for an art fair that is going to be here on the weekend. This process I have experienced as quite obligatory for the most part, rehearsed, uninspired, and like, dead!

Probably because most of the drawings I am working with are like Old, Old, Old, and there are only a few new ones, so its like all this old dead shit, instead of new alive shit that is now an expression of myself as who I am currently living and walking. Its like I have changed since starting this process with desteni, but have not brought this through into the art work yet. In a way there is an excitement there also, kind of like “saving the best for last” where I hold off and hold off knowing all the while that when I actually do start with making some art, that Im sure I will enjoy the expression that comes through.

This has also been a question of mine also – When am I going to start making art? I spend almost not time doing this at all, at the moment relating this point to first getting myself into a position that is more stable in terms of me actually having an income coming in before I start spending time doing this.

Though I am curious as to when the fuck I am going to start with making some art.

Its like, what is going on with me?

In a way my application has become boring from a certain perspective. Like I’m not engaged with what I am doing, and with my life, but I will use this word again which I just used – Obligatory. I mean there are moments of enjoyment, but I really do not experience myself as actually really living and expressing me, where mostly things are routine, and plain, and I really don’t do much, in terms of actually expressing myself in that which I do, its like mostly things are just blaaaand. Even in my writing, its like I kind of just do it and have to push myself to do it, but haven’t really found myself expressing me much, but more just doing things.

I have enjoyed making vlogs, even though I did not place them, I did enjoy speaking about certain points on camera. I like speaking and communicating even though I am not always satisfied with that, I cannot deny that vlogs are quite cool to do.

 

I have decided to take on the job at the farm, even though I do experience fears about this which come up in terms of fearing my self expression. Actually this is quite interesting this fear. I fear that I will not be able to express myself, and I mean to express oneself is fun. I fear that the structure that exist there, will suppress me, and that I will not be able to express myself there fully. That is one of the more prominent fears, that I will be suppressed into a kind of silence and limitation and I will not enjoy that at all, and that I will only be able to really express me with myself alone.

Its like people develop these structures as rules and ways of being and interacting that they place within their worlds and then exist within, and that I just find that I have not always been that great at being able to exist within these structures of conduct and parameters and really be able to express myself.

Though I have never really been one to be a “people person” but I would like to change this. I found that I actually started to “get to know people more” when I was on the desteni farm, and now simply see the ‘value’ if you want to call it that of actually interacting and exploring, sharing and expressing, and really getting to know others within a self intimacy.

Even though I see this, I still tend shy away from it as I always found it so much easier to express with myself alone in my room. And honestly I have lived this kind of alone application enough, where I see, obviously that I must now actually push the point of interaction with other beings, and get over my resistances to doing this, so I can actually be comfortable with others, instead of being uncomfortable.

I really don’t like when people get mad or angry or irritated. Its like I tend to try and avoid this at all cost. Especially when they take it out on others, or in particular, me!

That is one reason why I do not like being around others, because I really do not enjoy the experience of another being reacting to a point when I am in their presence. Or yes, even more reacting towards me.

Fuck I still have to sort that point out. Like taking shit personally. And suppressing anger that comes up. Its like Why? Why would you say or do that towards me.

Most of the time I really just want to fucking stand up in that moment and tell the being immediately to simply Stop the bull-shit. Like blatantly point out what the fuck they just did and actually turn the point right back on them so that they see exactly what they did.

But normally I just stand there in bewilderment like, what the fuck, this being is blaming me right now or taking shit out on me, or not taking responsibility for themselves, and normally I just stand quietly in anger an “take-it” So when I am alone in my room I do not have to deal with this. Deal with beings reacting in Frustration and Anger.

I mostly encountered this point with my father growing up, so if I had to pinpoint where I actually created this point of staying in my room away from people, I would say I created and refined this point in relation to my father. Where I remember experiencing this point of “avoiding” him allot during my life, and just “getting the fuck outta there” mostly I could go to my room and hide, because it was like he was allot of the time irritated and angry and frustrated and would react all the time towards others and it would really just be a shit experience, so I preferred to just stay in my room, like, out of the way of this projection bullshit.

From a certain perspective though I did not really understand why he was so frustrated and angry and irritated, so there is point to consider and forgive and stop any points of blame or anger I have towards him.

Even around him now I notice in every moment (quite fascinating really) there is this resonant point, like a waiting, an expectation of the eventual point where his anger, frustration, irritation will come out and be directed at someone around him. Fuck, when most recently I was around him, I noticed that each time he would enter the room or come home or something like that, I would like, “take a step back” like a waiting…waiting to see…almost like an expectation of him being angry and argumentative. And this point simply exist inside of me always and constantly. And then there was like a small moment or experience of relief when he would open his mouth and speak, and his words were actually pleasant or simply not angry…then its like..oh, ok its cool to express me here, he is not angry, so its ok if I speak my mind, or can really just let go in a way, and relax, so I see I have developed this resonant point of holding my breath within and expectation of anger in relation to my father, which I simply see as a resonant point which I developed over time with regards to my general experience around him as I cannot at this moment pinpoint a specific event which occurred where this point really “sunk in”

So in a way me staying in my room now and wanting to avoid people and their reactions is actually me simply staying in my room and hiding away from my father.

So a point here to explore and forgive.

And actually stand up and face this anger with people. And face the fear I have inside me of facing this anger and reactions  and what could possible happen. Like being overpowered and diminished.

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