Self Forgiveness – Continuation on Dependency – October 14th 2010

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself, within “taking me out of an active environment with lots of people” where I then would have to learn how to occupy myself and satisfy myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to re-create the farm situation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that where I am is ‘important’ with regards to how I experience myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “not enjoying myself on the farm”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be alone and feel lonely on the farm

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in relation to process where I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in relation to “how I am doing” and always wanting to be doing ‘good’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that in by going out to this farm that I am setting myself up for regret.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “lock myself into” regret from the perspective of simply submitting to the idea that “I don’t know how it is going to occur” and within this enslaving myself to the point of not allowing me to actually see for myself how I create my reality and the out-flows of my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear immensely going to the farm location, because I believe that I will be lonely out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will not get along with the family that lives out there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist going out to the farm from the perspective of having to live along side a family and family structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this experience will be like actually locking myself into a family structure and belief system.

This is one of the points that I am seeing about this job is that is/will be like locking myself into a family structure belief system that I will essentially have abide by. I see this point specifically in relation to this being a family run business that is ‘quite established’ where in they have ‘rooted’ themselves physically with the barns etc, there is quite a belief system around this point I am seeing that because it is so physically manifest that  I will essentially have to ‘participate with’ and won’t be so easily moved. I mean in the city, everything is like smaller moving systems, so to work for a company one is simply required to do the work so to speak. I mean the point of actually living on this ranch is a ‘scary’ part because I see this in relation to living with my family. So this is an actually perception/assumption, reaction, because in am only ‘coming to this conclusion’ through ‘seeing a picture in my mind’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I must compromise myself in this world in certain specific situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear placing myself into this point than “feeling alone” because it will be so quite and I will see the same people everyday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if I move out to this farm that I will be giving up and have not chance with process, and in a way be stranded.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stranded

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I will be stranded if I go to this farm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can run and hide from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am able to hide from my current reality that I have created “around me”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my world is ‘not fun’ and that I can go and find something else better in a different environment, instead of applying corrective application to myself from the perspective of me being the source of my correction and the source of my world not matter where I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the place to face yourself is in the system, and that those in the system are those who are really facing themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something lacking in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience myself as if there is something lacking or holding me back within my environment from enjoying myself and living fulfilment in every breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for living fulfilment in my environment instead of me here as breath as simplicity in each and every moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a slight depression because I slept because I had a headache and now actually have judged myself from the perspective of believing that I have failed, or was dishonest, or am falling behind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is certain that I am not going to make it this life, and thus fear falling or lagging behind because this indicate that I do not have enough will power to walk this process and stop my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with my application and that I should be doing more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am taking to much time to do this process, and that I am not moving effectively enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is going to be a pretty process instead of just applying myself here in that which I can do, and remaining here as breath in the simplicity as myself here as the source point so to speak.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience resistance to my mom reading my blogs and from a certain perspective will not edit my blogs so I do not reveal to much instead of standing up within this world within equality as an equal being in an equal expression, standing equal and one to all beings and the equalization of all as the priority of myself and walk in what is best for this outcome of what is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ‘experience’ inadequacy in relation to others doing desteni process, and see myself just time-looping and not really expanding myself within developing a stable web based application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as less than others at placing links and answering posts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others within this process, and in this go into experiences of inadequacies  and less-than, and self defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “end up in” self defeat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as actually being weak willed and not effectively developing myself within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to make up for lost time which implies that I am in debt and or lacking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the point of simply just not being able to push through and feeling/seeing not results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my application and the assessment on results where I want to see results immediately.

I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to be patient with myself and within this allow myself to simply continue applying myself in consistency day in and day out, and not expect or want immediate results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base my application on whether or not I get results instead of simply seeing the common sense that within 1+1=2 equation that the results will come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to race to attempt to catch up to others who I perceive as being more equal than me, and effective in this process, and so I attempt to catch up so that I can experience me as worthy and valid, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that must create myself as worthy, meaning that who I am now is not good enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by shame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by feeling unworthy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by feeling like I have failed

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed shame to influence me in my application and direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed unworthiness to influence me in my application and direction

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed “feeling like I have failed” to influence me in my application and expression.

The point is to simply direct me no matter, what , and not go into despair that it is not working or I am not good enough because I don’t have the results coming in.

When ever this experience of despair or shame or regret or unworthiness or hopelessness come up, I simply do not give it the time of day, I do not participate with it but rather as a correction, allow myself to continue on as per-usual. There is nothing wrong about my application, it simply require consistency, and constantcy. Thus I allow myself to be consistant in my application in self trust. I simply apply the regular actions, and not go into feeling like I am not doing enough, but simply slowing down and going through the motions and freezing each moment so that I can see that I am remaining in the starting point of what is best for all in every moment. This is the point, to stand as what is best for all as self in every moment, not necessarily be the fasted and the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and desire to be the fastest and the best.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be the fastest and the best at process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as less than those in my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing those in my environment because of the presentation I have presented but cannot live up to because the truth of myself actually in not this presentation I have presented as myself being stable and flawless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to present a stable flawless presentation to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am actually this presentation instead of realizing that I am just me here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I must present myself as some flawless perfect stable being so that I can be liked, respected, and worthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into comparison with and towards other beings instead of realizing that this is not necessary and that I can simply remain here as myself as who I really am, and simply walk my process of self forgiveness and self purification and equalizing myself with all that is here so that I stand as equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not up to the task of equalizing myself with all that is here, meaning that I cannot possibly do this, and in this have accepted that this is not possible for me in life, so in a way go into a frequency or exist as a frequency experience/acceptance of myself of not being able to do this, and in effect already sabotaging myself within this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not making and fearing that others see and believe I will not make it as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feel shame about the truth of myself of that I will not make this process.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that everyone already thinks that I will not make this process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within the inevitability that will not make this process, and in this experience a sadness of myself in the end being left behind with just myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there is something wrong with standing here with just myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see and believe that there is some other point other than self.

I forgive myself for not realizing that in being left with just me, than that means I am still here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being trapped out of existence for ever and that there is nothing I can do about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being locked out and not included.